Musical definitions

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by sterlingsop, Aug 31, 2005.

  1. sterlingsop

    sterlingsop Member

    I found these on a trawl through the net this afternoon. Enjoy!!!

    • string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
    • detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
    • glissando: a technique adopted by trombone players for difficult runs.
    • subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
    • risoluto: indicates to bandsmen that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
    • senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
    • preparatory beat: a threat made to flugel players, i.e., play, or else....
    • crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
    • conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
    • clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
    • transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the soprano.
    • vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
    • coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
    • bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two (at Pontins and Blackpool......)
    • ad libitum: a premiere.
    • beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
    • cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
    • diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
    • lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
    • virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
    • music: a complex organisation of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
    • oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
    • tenor: two hours before a nooner.
    • diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
    • perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
    • ritard: there's one in every family.
    • big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
    • treble: women ain't nothin' but.
    • portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.
    • conductor: the man who punches your ticket to London.
    • arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
    • tempo: good choice for a used car.
    • A 440: the dual carriageway that runs round Oxford
    • transpositions:
      1. men who wear dresses.
      2. An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
    • cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
    • middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
    • perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
    • tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
    • cadenza:
      1. that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
      2. The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola
    • whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
    • clef: what you try never to fall off of.
    • bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
    • altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
    • melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.
    • 12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
    • sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
    • cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
    • bassoon:
      1. typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
      2. a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
    • french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
    • bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.
    • time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
    • staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your first house.
    • bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
    • plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
    • audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
    • accidentals: wronng notes.
    • broken consort: when someone in the rehearsal has to leave to go to the toilet.
    • cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.
    • chansons de geste: dirty songs.
    • clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.
    • crotchet:
      1. a tritone with a bent prong.
      2. like knitting, but faster.
    • ducita: a lot of mallards.
    • embouchure the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
    • garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.
    • hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
    • interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
      1. Major interval: a long time.
      2. Minor interval: a few bars.
      3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
    • intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.
    • isorhythmic motet: when half of the band have got a different edition from the other half.
    • minnesinger: a boy soprano.
    • musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
    • neums: renaissance midgets.
    • neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
    • rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
    • trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
    • lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.
    • sancta: Clausula's husband.
    • quaver: beginning viol class.
    • rackett: capped reeds class
    • ritornello: a Verdi opera.
    • supertonic: Schweppes.
    • trope: a malevolent neum.
    • tutti: a lot of sackbuts.
    • stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.
    • agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
    • metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
    • allegro: leg fertilizer.
    • recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.
    • transsectional: an cornet player who moves to the horn section.
  2. sevenhelz

    sevenhelz Active Member

    Ha! LIES!!
  3. Crazysop

    Crazysop Member

    Ha ha they were thinking of our band there pammy!:tongue:
  4. sterlingsop

    sterlingsop Member

    Just the one!!!
  5. mikelyons

    mikelyons Supporting Member

    Absolutely hilarious. LMAO
  6. sevenhelz

    sevenhelz Active Member

  7. JessopSmythe

    JessopSmythe Active Member

    You've missed off a couple of my favourites

    • Close harmony - Nearly right!
    • Double Flat - Disaster, I've only got one spare!
  8. sterlingsop

    sterlingsop Member


    well alright then...........maybe not..............................!!


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