Learn about The World's greatest Island Nation

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Okiedokie of Oz, Jan 23, 2004.

  1. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional w***er.

    We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

    We are One Nation but divided into many States.

    First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe In lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney Has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival Of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main Claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all The men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

    The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, Sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

    And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with ........remains a mystery.

    Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

    We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.

    Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

    We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

    We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.

    Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

    Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by Sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
    I am, you are, we are Australian!

    P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
  2. Dan

    Dan Member

    Happy Australia Day Chris!

    I was in Sydney for Australia Day 1999 and what a good day!

    The National Pride of the Aussie people is something for us over here to note. After spending a year in your beautiful, diverse country I found the Aussie National Pride a little irritating. But now I think that we Brits can learn something from you all. Still glad we beat you at the Rugby though!!

  3. Keppler

    Keppler Moderator Staff Member

    when I first looked at the title, I presumed this thread was about Ireland.. ;)

    Happy Australia Day Chris and other Aussie-type people..
  4. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

    Why? :twisted:
  5. Toby

    Toby Member

    Simmer :twisted:
  6. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    Because the biggest island nation he recognises has to be one closer to home..... :wink:

    I am glad the aussies are starting to take a few beatings. We needed a lesson in reality. Being the best at everything sucks, y'know :p
  7. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Didn't know it was Australia Day, my calendar lists Labor Day, Canada Day, Jewish New Year but no Australia Day...
    Chuck another stubby on the barbie and swig a prawn for me, mate.
  8. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Gay and Lesbian Pride Day! :?
  9. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    australia Day is Monday

    Gay lesbian March is later.......when, I dunno. September I think
  10. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    lol - How do you know! :shock: :p
  11. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    Because for some reason it gets a lot of publicity
  12. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    i suppose with equal rites and all that!! .... :!:
  13. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Is that like last rites?!
  14. Pythagoras

    Pythagoras Active Member

    I thought that Australia was big enough to count as a continental land mass so isn't technically an island.

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