Jokes.

Discussion in 'Thread Games & Totally Random...' started by yorkiej, Sep 28, 2014.

  1. yorkiej

    yorkiej New Member

    BOB & THE BLONDE:

    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
    He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
    And stared up at the TV.

    The 10 PM news was coming on.
    The news crew was covering the story
    Of a man on the ledge of a large building
    Preparing to jump.


    The blonde looked at Bob and said,
    "Do you think he'll jump?"
    Bob said,
    "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied,
    "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
    "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
    The guy on the ledge
    Did a swan dive off the building,
    Falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset,
    But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
    "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

    Bob replied,
    "I can't take your money.
    I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
    So I knew he would jump."

    The blonde replied,
    "I did, too,
    But I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Bob took the money.

     
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  3. yorkiej

    yorkiej New Member

    The Irish Bic Lighter

    Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
    'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
    'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
    'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
    'You haff a Genie?' Mick asked.
    'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
    'Could I see him?'
    Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
    Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

    'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.
    The Genie disappears back into the tackle box, leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
    Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
    Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

    Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?’

     
  4. yorkiej

    yorkiej New Member

    Cardiovascular Exercise

    The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

    If you’re over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

    Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

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    That’s enough for the first day.

    Great job!

    Have a glass of wine.
     
  5. wife divine

    wife divine Supporting Member

    This is a true story.
    My brother was giving my aunt a lift home in his car. He was dazzled by the strong sunlight shining directly through the windscreen. My aunt noticed his difficulty and said ' Wouldn't you think they'd build all roads facing away from the sun so that it doesn't cause problems for drivers.'
     
  6. yorkiej

    yorkiej New Member

    Which reminds me of a true story, my Brother and his Wife came back to Yorkshire and decided to go onto the Wolds for a ride out, taking our parents, travelling along his Wife spots a large mound, saying "what a place to put a hill", my Brother reply's " where else are they going to put it".
     
  7. yorkiej

    yorkiej New Member

    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

    3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
     

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