International Pun Competition

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Oct 20, 2005.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    North Lancing
    International Pun Contest - I warn you, they're bad!

    Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
    stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam"!

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why? "they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
    his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????
  2. Keppler

    Keppler Moderator Staff Member

    Ah I'll bet our own Peter Pun can come up with better goods than these ;)
  3. Chunky

    Chunky Active Member

    I was trying to think of some but perhaps Peter can Bale us out
  4. I was thinking more of that Dave guy from Arran - some of his are Payn-ful
  5. Charmed

    Charmed Active Member

    Must be my weird sense of humour, but I couldn't help but laugh when I read number 9!

  6. Chunky

    Chunky Active Member

    Number 9 reminds me of the time Celtic got beaten by Inverness Caledonian Thistle at Celtic Park in a cup match a few years ago. The headline the next day read;

    Super Caley Go Ballistic Celtic are Atrocious
  7. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Hadleigh, Essex
    When I saw the title, I thought they were going to be international puns, such as:

    Q: Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?

    A: Because one egg's "Un oeuf" :eek:


    Q: Why don't you give a German a birthday gift?

    A: Because "Gift" is poison :oops:

    and Number 9 reminds me of another one:

    Q: What do you call an Indian cloakroom attendant?

    A: Mahatma Coat

    Last edited: Oct 20, 2005
  8. Rapier

    Rapier Supporting Member

    I thought 7 was great until I read 9! Brilliant. :D
  9. James Yelland

    James Yelland Active Member

    Hinckley, Leicestershire
    If you like this sort of stuff, allow me to let you into a secret - Milton Jones, currently on Radio 4 on Thursdays. For example:

    (FX - sounds of a helicopter)

    "Oh Milton, I didn't know you had a pilot's licence".

    "Licence? Ah yes, a bit of a mixup at the evening classes. I went into the keep fit class instead of the aviation class, and got a Pilates licence."

    It doesn't come over so well in print, but trust me, this guy is seriously funny!
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