1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop the pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve the pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap. cradle cat in left arm and hold rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitting from cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill isn't harmful to humans, then drink a beer to take the taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill and open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of whisky. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch a new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ****ing cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbours, who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take the last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little *******s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill in mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 litres of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly whilst doctor stitches fingers and forearm. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.