Hot Tips

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Apr 21, 2004.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    North Lancing
    I don't think I've seen these before on here. If they have appeared previously - my apologies.

    These are hot tips taken from (I think) Viz magazine.

    They are all very sensible suggestions to me. Might try some of them.
    I have deleted some of the more offensive ones which is why the numbers aren't consecutive.

    1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

    2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

    3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

    5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the **beeping** thing in the first place, you fat **beeps**.

    6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

    7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog **beep** into the bath.

    8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

    9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

    11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

    12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

    13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

    14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

    15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

    16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

    17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

    19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

    20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply **beeping** in the sink.

    21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

    22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

    23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

    25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

    26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

    27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

    29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

    30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
  2. WhatSharp?

    WhatSharp? Active Member

    31. Want to be an adjudicator?, go into training by shutting yourself in the garden shed with a fire bucket and an endless loop tape of a school band playing Little Suite in Eb for 10 Hours.
  3. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    Concerned about birds getting strangled in beer tin binders?
    Simply throw away a stanley knife blade every day for them to cut the plastic.
  4. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    South London
    I like that thinking!!
  5. rutty

    rutty Active Member

    Beeston, Nottingham
    Oh, my mistake, it was "Hot Tips" :(
  6. akwarose

    akwarose Active Member

    Milton Keynes
    since i am unable to grow a beard of my own, i'm afraid to say i may be resorting to this method. one question....can u still sucessfully have a pint with the magnet in your mouth?
  7. Dave Euph

    Dave Euph Member

    All superb, but particularly #8 :!: :!: :!:

    ... although I was highly disturbed by #1 :shock:
  8. johnmartin

    johnmartin Active Member

    Tried number 4 on the way home from work today.................IT WORKED.
  9. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    It wasn't #4, mate.
    It was the Celtic shirt that saved you!! :wink:
  10. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    North Lancing
    Sssshhhhhhhhhhhh. Don't mention Celtic. :wink: :wink: :wink: :roll: :roll:
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