Hey Losers, These Tips Will Make You A Better Person...

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Chris Sanders, Sep 27, 2005.

  1. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum
    it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum
    that instead.

    Cinema Goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
    pee before the film starts.

    Rappers. Avoid having to say, 'Know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
    speaking clearly in the first place.

    Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
    stolen. Simply place a dog poo in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

    Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
    Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

    Soldiers. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery
    after a trip to Trueprint.

    Murderers. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself
    via DHL. You will never see it again.

    Employers. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

    Men. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume
    you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

    Gamblers. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

    Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small
    horse is approaching.

    Blind People. Give yourself at least a CHANCE of seeing something by not wearing
    heavy dark glasses all the time.

    Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

    Drivers. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, try beeping your horn
    and waving your arms frantically - this should help the car start and send them on their way.

    Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in
    the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

    Car Thieves. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may
    be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

    Depressed People. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout
    'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

    Motorists. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply
    pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

    Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.

    Single Men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with
    several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

    Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling
    water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone
    your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

    Happy To Help :rolleyes:
  2. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Have you been reading Viz again...?

  3. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    I actually nicked it off a bloke from a man city forum :rolleyes:
  4. tim

    tim Member

    How freaky is this just as I was reading it a DHL van turns up with a parcel!!!! And they were even delivering to the right house!!!!
  5. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    Was It a dead body? :confused:
  6. tim

    tim Member

    No! I think it was a box of my dad's book!
  7. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    *mutters...... grr.... will arrive soon... chris will be framed... grrrr!*
  8. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    Doesnt work when you tell me you're framing me first ben? :D
  9. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Maybe he's too psychotic to care?
  10. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    Well he is fond of Yellow Polka Dot Bikini??
  11. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    But then who isnt? :rolleyes:
  12. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    You are a Grade I Listed loony.
  13. jingleram

    jingleram Active Member

    Some good tips there! Will try and apply them to life!
  14. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    OOoh! And Agadoo!!
  15. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Or, slightly more legally... drive at 30mph and call her after 1.5 miles!
  16. jingleram

    jingleram Active Member

    Unless you live on the motorway middle lane? Or in a caravan?
  17. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    Funny you should say that, I was just about to push pineapple and shake a tree...?? :D
  18. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    "Oooh psycho bunny, quest-ce que c'est"

    Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense

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