Here we go again Noah

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by 2nd man down, Feb 10, 2006.

  1. 2nd man down

    2nd man down Moderator Staff Member

    In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
    Nottingham*/Birmingham*/Liverpool* (*delete as
    appropriate) and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
    Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

    He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark
    before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
    but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
    the Ark?"

    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed
    planning permission for change of use from residential to B2. It took 3
    months, was refused and it has now been referred to the Office of the
    Deputy Prime Minister and the appeal will not be heard until late 2008.
    I've been arguing with the building inspector about the need for a
    sprinkler system. The DDA officer tells me I will need Disabled toilets
    and the all the doors have to be1000 mm wide.
    The ramp up to the Ark cannot exceed 1:20 and it will not fit in the
    My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by
    building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had
    to go to Planning Department and reapply for planning permission for the
    Then the Highways Department demanded a bond be posted for the future
    costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
    the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would
    be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood
    was another problem.
    There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I
    tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
    the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by
    an animal rights group. They insisted that I was illegally confining
    wild animals against their will. They argued too, that the accommodation
    was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals
    in a confined space.
    Then Environmentalists insisted that I couldn't build the Ark until
    they'd conducted an environmental impact assessment on your proposed
    flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
    Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
    crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons and they insist I
    have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
    To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming
    I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. Then
    I found out that the Customs and Excise would not register me for VAT
    and so I am not able to recover the VAT on the building materials. So,
    forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least ten years for me to finish
    this Ark."
    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
    stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean,
    you're not going to destroy the world?"
    "No," said the Lord. "It turns out your government beat me to it!"
  2. Anno Draconis

    Anno Draconis Well-Known Member

    :clap: :D And don't even think about what the Health and Safety Executive would come up with!
  3. julestools

    julestools Active Member

    :clap: So true!


  4. brasscrest

    brasscrest Active Member

    Wait until he tries to get the permits to dispose of the materials he already gathered.
  5. yonhee

    yonhee Active Member

    Haha thats good :D
  6. 1alexm

    1alexm Member

    that great:clap: :clap: :clap:
  7. Will the Sec

    Will the Sec Active Member

    People, people, people. PLEASE don't hack off the Government until I have concluded my dealings with the Home Office.

    I Thang Yow.