GOOD Jokes Thread!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Jack E, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. 2nd tenor

    2nd tenor Well-Known Member

    I spotted this on another forum and thought that the original poster (who happens to be a women so no one of strong PC beliefs need get upset) wouldn't mind me sharing here.

    To Be 8 again!

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
    Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

    “I'd like to be eight again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
    down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
    chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

    “I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!”

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
     
    Jack E likes this.
  2. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Aaah, cracked me up, 2T!! :D

    And all we can say in self defence is, "I does me 'umble best, y'know . . . :oops: "
     
  3. 4th Cornet

    4th Cornet Active Member

    You may want to substitute the offensive word beginning with 'r' towards the end of the joke to achieve this. Otherwise a clever joke ☺️
     
  4. conjunctivitis.co.it

    That's a site for sore eyes.
     
    Jack E likes this.
  5. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    But shouldn't this one be in the Bad Jokes thread, Stanley? :D
     
    Stanley Accrington likes this.
  6. I've just noticed/found the Bad Jokes thread Jack. Maybe should have been placed in that thread. but hey....humour can be very subjective.
     
  7. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Some nifty one-liners . . .
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    Some people give me the feeling that they are diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    Remember that half the people you know are below average.

    Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    Eagles may soar, but hedgehogs don't get sucked into jet engines.

    I intend to live forever . . . doing alright, so far!

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Quantum mechanics - the dreams stuff is made of.

    Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques?

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

    Change is inevitable - except from vending machines.

    Don't plan out your day - it only encourages counsel for the prosecution to keep using the word 'pre-meditated'.

    If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand ...

    and, finally . . .

    HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET!!
    :D
     
  8. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Motorcyclist (definition);
    Imagine a container full of highly inflammable liquid, heated up by being placed directly above a hot running engine, with electrical units in between powered by a small generator putting out 15 - 20,000 volts; a motorcyclist is a person who thinks putting such a device directly between their legs is a good idea . . .
    :cool:
     
  9. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    The Army found they had too many senior NCOs, so decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £100 for every inch measured in a straight line between his choice of any two points in his body.

    A Colour Sergeant volunteered, and asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and left with a bonus of £7,200.

    A Company Sergeant Major was the next, and was smart enough to be measured from the tip of his raised hands to his toes. He walked away with £9,600.

    The third volunteer was a grizzled old Regimental Sergeant Major, who - despite many suggestions from the Medical Officer - insisted that he wanted to be measured from the tip of his nose to the big toe on his right foot. Reluctantly, the MO agreed, and asked the RSM to remove his right boot.

    "Good Heavens!", said the MO; "Where's your big toe?

    The RSM gave him a smile of which a Great White Shark would be envious, and replied:


    >


    >


    >

    "Iraq, sir; I make it about £16.1 billion!"
     
    4th Cornet likes this.
  10. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    upload_2017-8-18_18-31-33.png upload_2017-8-18_18-32-47.png
     

    Attached Files:

  11. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    And one for Mesmerist . . .

    upload_2017-8-18_23-34-49.png
     
  12. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    upload_2017-9-1_17-9-12.png
    :D
     
    Slider1 likes this.
  13. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  14. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  15. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  16. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    A classic from Bruce Bairnsfather, drawn in the Great War:

    upload_2017-11-2_21-44-4.png


    Sop cornets, please note!!
    :D
     
  17. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Time - the great leveller . . .

    upload_2017-11-2_21-53-58.png
    :(
     
  18. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Life - as experienced by students!

    upload_2017-11-26_17-16-20.png

    :D
     
  19. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    And now for something completely different . . .


    upload_2017-12-8_0-43-48.png




    upload_2017-12-8_0-44-47.png




    upload_2017-12-8_0-45-47.png



    upload_2017-12-8_0-48-35.png


    upload_2017-12-8_0-50-53.png
    :cool:

    Jack
     

    Attached Files:

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