GOOD Jokes Thread!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Jack E, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    A family of cockroaches are enjoying their dinner inside a skip behind a fast food takeaway.

    "Mum", said little Jimmy Cockroach, "I went into that fancy restaurant over the road today. It was SOOOO clean, I could see my face reflected on the floor!"

    "JAMES MICHAEL COCKROACH!!", snapped his mum, "NOT while we're eating our dinner! Are you trying to make us all feel SICK??"


    (Note for US members: a 'skip' is what you call a dumpster.)
  2. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    "People are always quoting other people on the internet - but how often can you verify the accuracy of their quotations?"

    Abraham Lincoln
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  3. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Dear Santa,

    this year, I’m asking for the same as I asked for last year - a fat wallet and a slim body. Try to get it right, eh?
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  4. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    A man comes out of Heathrow Airport, and gets into a taxi, and they head off along the M4.

    As they get to the outskirts of London, the man remembers that he needs to get some English money from a cashpoint, as all he has is US Dollars.

    He taps the driver on the shoulder, and the driver screams in terror, swerves wildly across three lanes of traffic and onto the hard shoulder, and sits there, shaking like a leaf. The driver then turns to the passenger, and apologises for frightening him, explaining:

    "This is me first day on the job, guv - I've spent the last thirty years driving a hearse!"
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2016
  5. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member


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  6. DocFox

    DocFox Retired

    Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them:

    “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
    “Thank God,” says an elderly nun at the back of the room, “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
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  7. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Murphy's Laws of Computing

    When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

    The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

    When the going gets tough, upgrade.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

    He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

    A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

    The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

    A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
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  8. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Computaspeke for Dummies

    Hard Drive - Landrover with turbo-charged and gas-flowed 3.5 litre V8 engine, MT tyres and bull bars

    Floppy Drive - Citroen 2CV with under-inflated radial tyres and knackered suspension

    Flash Drive - Aston Martin, with satellite phone, leather upholstery and solid walnut dashboard

    DOS - sleeping in shop doorways

    MSDOS - sleeping in Marks & Spencer's doorways

    Soft Boots - Uggs

    Hard Boots - clogs with full heel and toe irons

    PROM - initiation ritual for teenagers, which frequently leaves them in need of PTSD counselling

    Byte - Big Mac

    Megabyte - Double Cheeseburger Mac, with Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, Coleslaw and Large Fries

    Command Language - used by officers in Army training barracks

    Command Interpreter - sergeant majors in Army training barracks

    Low Level Language - as found in the Daily Star

    High Level Language - as found in the Times

    Procedural Language - suggesting that someone should go forth and multiply

    Pascal - French lady

    Turbo Pascal - very hot French lady

    Phishing - what phishermen do for a living

    Bots - what computer users sit on

    Backing Up - a process requiring care and attention

    Crash - the inevitable outcome of failure to exercise due care over backing up

    Cursor - a computer user in the aftermath of a crash

    Monitor - control-freak schoolkid who thinks being in charge of class pencils is the road to absolute power

    Clipboard - what monitors dream of owning

    Mouse - quite small, but capable of sending computer operators into screaming frenzies

    Mouse Mat - what every houseproud mouse has just inside its front door

    Update - tacit admission by software company that Version 1.0 was less than perfect

    Service Pack - further admission by software company that even Version 1.17.276 didn't work properly

    Windows - just another pane in the glass!
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  9. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

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  10. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Pictorial irony . . .


    upload_2017-2-19_19-47-24.png upload_2017-2-19_19-48-1.png




    But are we downhearted? Nah!



    Attached Files:

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  11. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    The world's oldest computer can apparently be traced back to the time of Adam and Eve.

    It was an Apple which, quite understandably, had very limited memory - just one bite.

    It was only used once - then everything crashed . . .
  12. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member


    "Both my sisters are going out with really cool musicians; so what do I get? A piccolo player . . . "
  13. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Some neat one-liners:

    If life hands you lemons, look on the bright side; you won't be troubled by scurvy!

    I don't like making plans for each day; it only encourages counsel for the prosecution to keep using the word 'premeditated'.

    You know those paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for would-be murderers? Have you ever asked them what their game-plan is if they find one?

    You know that show, 'Fifty Things To Do Before You Die'? How did they miss out the obvious one - shout "HELP!!"

    My people skills are fine; it's my idiot-tolerance that's lacking.

    I want my children to have all the things I could never afford; then I'll move in with them.

    The Red Cross called today, to ask if I could contribute to the overseas floods. I said I'd love to, but my hose only reaches the end of the garden.

    Never take a pill which has more side effects than you have symptoms.

    For every one person with a spark of genius, there are a thousand with dodgy ignition coils and worn out plugs.

    Politicians are interested in people in the same way that fleas are interested in dogs.

    Giving politicians power and taxes is like giving a bottle of scotch and your car keys to a teen-age boy.

    I've bought a microwave fireplace; you can spend a whole evening in front of it in just eight minutes.

    Stop people from re-offending! Next time round, don't vote for them!

    'Auto-Correct' has become my worst enema.

    And, finally:

    If Bill Gates had a dollar for every time Windows crashed . . . oh, wait . . he does . . .
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  14. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  15. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    The intrepid test pilot about to trial the catapult gear on HMS 'Pedalo', the Royal Navy's new aircraft carrier. She was quoted as saying:

    "S.T.O.L. fixed wing F.35s? Who needs 'em?"


    What is the sound of scientific progress?



    And as for parents . . .


    Sheer, unadulterated genius!! Enjoy!
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  16. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Joking apart, when I was about 7, my mum was fixing herself a gin and orange one Christmas, and just about to light up a ciggy. I asked her if they tasted nice, so she said "Try them." This, mark you, was before she'd put the orange into the gin . . . :rolleyes:

    So I took a sip of neat gin, and took a very small drag at the cigarette . . . :eek: BLERRRGGHH!! - twice!

    So, did I "learn a little lesson" that day? Yep - I learnt that my suspicions were fully justified; grownups were barking! And I've never touched either gin or cigarettes ever since. I think psychologists call it 'aversion therapy'! ;)

  17. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    President Putin was on a formal visit to a school somweher in Russia. At the end of the visit, the head teacher asked the President if he would like to chat informally with the children before lunch.

    "Certainly," said the President, "I'd like that very much."

    When both President and the children were settled, the President asked if anyone had any questions about Russia and world peace. One little girl put up her hand, and said;

    "My name is Mischa, I am 8 years old, and I have two questions."

    "Go ahead, Mischa," said Putin.

    "Why did we invade the Crimea, and why do we have Russian soldiers in Ukraine?"

    Just as the President was about to answer, the lunch bell rang, and the children were led off to the dining room, with the promise that they could continue their talk with the President later.

    Back in the assembly hall after lunch, one little boy put his hand up, and said:

    "My name is Sergei, I am 8 years old, and I have two questions."

    "What are your questions, Sergei?", asked the President.

    "Why did the lunch bell ring 20 minutes early? And where is Mischa?"
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  18. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    And this one may appeal to Mesmerist . . . or, possibly, make her wince at how it felt . . .


    As the old saying goes, "Been there, done that, got the osteopath's receipt . . . "
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  19. 2nd tenor

    2nd tenor Well-Known Member

    I did laugh when I read this, it is funny - I always enjoy reading your posts.

    A moment or two later I thought about both how jokes often have more than a grain of truth in them and of how lucky we are to live in the UK: we can grumble or protest about Mrs M and JC here but in so many places a wrong word does see you terminated. Maybe there's a touch of 'Liverpool' humour here too. I've heard tell that in decades past life was exceeding tough in that Northern City, and that people had to develope a sense of humour because only those who could laugh and joke amongst the difficulties of day to day life managed to keep sane or avoid some mental breakdown.

    I spotted this old joke on another forum, it made me laugh and I hope it brings a smile to the face of others too:

    Stout middle aged man stands on bathroom scale and pulls
    in his stomach. His wife,passing the open door asks 'Do you
    think that helps?'
    'Yes' he smiles 'I can see the readout numbers now!'
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
    Jack E likes this.
  20. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Yes, that freedom to speak your mind is a precious gift, which many of our forebears paid for with their lives; that is the main reason I exercise it, even when my opinions draw abuse from others who disagree with me; this whole 'political correctness' scam is nothing more than deliberate oppression of free speech, and I've no truck with it.

    You mentioning the way jokes often have more than a grain of truth in them reminds me of a cartoon I saw drawn by that genius - and he truly deserves that accolade - Norman Thelwell. The cartoon, drawn in the 1950s, shows a bunch of British farmers at an international agricultural show in Moscow. One of the farmers says to his friend:

    "These Russians are a funny lot; when I ask them how things are, they all say the same - 'Mustn't grumble' ." ;)

    I agree; I've noticed the same approach taken by friends of mine who do some pretty grim jobs in fire brigades and on paramedic ambulances - and from ex-squaddies who've lived through hellish experiences. In his book 'For Valour', Andy McNab (ex-SAS himself) wrote the following:

    Ella: "Does everything have to be a joke with you guys?"
    Nick: "It's what keeps you going when things can't get any worse."

    2T, for me, these days, that one is perilously close to the mark!! :D

    Mind how you go, and best regards,


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