1. If using a touch tone phone, press random numbers while talking. Ask the person on the other end to stop doing that. 2. Make up a random name and credit card number and see if you guessed right. 3. Use American slang whenever possible. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. End the call with 'Remember, we never had this conversation.' 6. Say you have a rival pizza firm on the other line and you're going to go with the lowest bidder. 7. When they ask what pizza you want, say 'Oh, just surprise me!' and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to shove nutrition and ask if they have anything disgustingly fattening. 10. Bonus points for using these words: Robust, free-spirited, cost-efficient, Ukranian, puce. 11. Tell them to put the crust on the top this time. 12. Sing your order to the tune of your favourite song. 13. Don't name the toppings you want, but spell them out letter by letter. 14. Put an extra edge to your voice when you say 'crazy bread'. 15. Stutter on the letter 'p'. 16. Ask for a deal that is only available at a rival pizza firm and when they say you can't have it, threaten to sue and hang up. 17. Ask what the person you are speaking to is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds and then act as if they called you. 20. Quickly give your order really determinedly. When they ask if you want drinks with that, panic and become disorientated. 21. Tell the person you're talking to that you're depressed. Get him / her to sheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Chenge your accent for every sentence you say. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices in the complicated pattern that you then go on to describe. Ask if they have paper. 25. Act like you know the person you are talking to from somewhere. Say 'Bed Wetters' Camp, right??' 26. Start your order with 'I'd like...' and then a little while later slap yourself and say 'No I wouldn't.' 27. If they repeat the order to you to make sure they've got it right, say 'Okay, that'll be £10.99 please. Would you like it delivered?' 28. Ask if you can rent a pizza. 29.? Order whilst using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. Heave a sigh of relief when they say yes. 31. Put the accent on the lasy syllable of 'pepperoni'. Use the long 'i' sound. 32. Have your pizza 'shaken, not stirred.' 33. Say 'Are you sure this is (Perfect Pizza)?' When they say yes, scream 'No, I am! You've got some explaining to do!' When they finally offer proof that they are in fact (Perfect Pizza), say 'Do you know what it's like to be lied to?' and start to cry. 34. Move the mouthpiece further and further away from your mouth during the conversation. When the conversation ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream 'GOODBYE!!' at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double check that your pizza is dead. 36. Imitate the voice of the person you are talking to. 37. Remove all verbs from your speech. 38. When they say 'What would you like?', say 'Huh? Oh, you mean now!' 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you would like the person who delivers the pizza to hide behind some furniture with it until your spouse comes home so they can jump and and surprise him / her. If they agree, run off and leave them behind your sofa. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote George W. Bush. 44. Say you'll only be able to pay for it when Steven Spielberg calls you back about that part in his movie that he offered you. 45. Ask if they have any idea what a pizza is. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Burp loudly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout 'I'm through with men / women! Send me your best pizza!' 50. Doze off in the middle of your order and then catch yourself and say 'Huh? Where am I? Who are you?' 51. Bet the order taker you can analyse their personality. 52. Ask what their phoen number is. Hang up, call them back and ask again. Repeat as necessary. 53. Order two toppnigs, then say 'Actually, no, they'll start fighting.' 54. Learn to properly pronounce all the ingredients in a Mars bar. Ask if they can be included on your pizza. 55. Call to complain about the service. Later, call again and say you were drunk and you didn't mean it. 56. Tell the person you're talking to to tell his manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use phrases of shock like 'Great Caeser's ghost!' and 'Jesus, Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town!' 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he / she suggests anything, declare 'I shall not be swayed by your sweet words?.' 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim your nose hair. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 64. Start the conversation with 'My call to (Perfect Pizza), take one and... ACTION!' 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. If they repeat your order, say 'Again, with a little more OOMPH this time!' 68. If using a touch tone phone, press 9-9-9 every five seconds. 69. After ordering, say 'I wonder what this button does!' and hang up. 70. Start the concersation with today's date, and say 'This may be my last entry.' 71. State your order and say that's as far as your relationship can get. 72. Ask if they are familiar with the term 'spanking a pizza'. Make up a definition of this term. Ask that it be done to your pizza. 73. Say 'Kssshhhhhhhhhhht!' really loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychis aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it purple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all your future orders. 81. Mumble 'There's a bomb under your seat.' When asked to repeat that, say 'I said smothered with meat.' 82. Order a mushroom pizza. At the end of your order say 'No mushrooms please' and then hang up before they can respond. 83. When they repeat you order to check it's right, change it slightly. When they repeat it again, change it again. If they repeat it again, say 'You just don't get it do you!' 84. When you're given the price say 'Ooooh that sounds complicated. I hate maths.' 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one inch pizza. 87. Try to order life insurance. 88. When they say 'Will that be all?', snigger and say 'We'll find out won't we!' 89. Spell out your entire conversation instead of talking. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Change pitch often, and act embarassed. 92. Engage in some serious swapping. 93. Never say the word 'pizza'. Avoid it at all costs. If they say it, say 'Please don't use that word.' 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scence playnig loudly in the background. Whenever a bullet is fired in it, scream 'Ow!' 95. If they ask if you want a side order, ask why they are punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had a good life. 97. Order a boiled pizza. 98. Get the order taker's name. At 4:00am, ring them up and say 'This is your 4 o'clock wake up call, [insert name here].' 99. Offer to pay for the pizza by being publicly stoned. 100. If any of the above practices (Numbers 1-99) are rejected by the order taker, say in your poutiest voice 'Humph. The last guy let me do it.'