Elementary School RE Test Howlers

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by PeterBale, Mar 31, 2006.

  1. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Hadleigh, Essex
    This comes from a catholic elementary school test: kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

    1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the
    world so he took the sabbath off.

    2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of
    ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears

    3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
    the night.

    4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

    5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like

    6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

    7. Moses led the jews to the r ed sea where they made unleavened bread
    which is bread without any ingredients.

    8, the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

    9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

    10 the seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

    11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews
    in the battle of geritol.

    12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand
    still and he obeyed him.

    13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought
    the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

    14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

    16. When the three wise guys from the east side arri ved they found jesus
    in the manager.

    17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

    18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

    19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before
    they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

    20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
    tombstone off the entrance.

    21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

    22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

    23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

    24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is
    another name for marraige.

    25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2006
  2. Jamie

    Jamie Member

    Cornwall/ Nottingham
    That has to be the best one! :clap:
  3. matti_raz

    matti_raz Member

    first time in a long while tht i have actually laughed out loud at the computer!
    Thanks Peter =)
  4. ekimmort

    ekimmort Member

    East Yorkshire
    Peter, are we allowed to use this in our Church newsletter.
  5. persins

    persins Member

    Reading, England
    You mean to tell me that those statements aren't true?!
    I like the idea that the first book is guinessis! I always thought it was the drink of the Gods!!:guiness
  6. BandTaxi

    BandTaxi Active Member

    Me too - absolutely BRILLIANT !!! ......Any more?
  7. 17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

    Some might say

    well done 10 out of 10 :clap:
  8. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Hadleigh, Essex
    I don't see why not - there was no source credited on the site I got it from.
  9. Mrs Fruity

    Mrs Fruity Member

    North East
    Oh I haven't laughed so much in ages! Thanks, Peter. ( As a primary teacher I regularly get Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh, but these are priceless!)
  10. Liz Courts

    Liz Courts Active Member

    :D :clap: Well, it's easy to get a bit confused...!! :rolleyes:
  11. Jamie

    Jamie Member

    Cornwall/ Nottingham
    Agh! I can't believe I missed that one the first time round! That's alarmingly close to home at the moment! (Grrr!!)

    One girl in my form at school got spiracles (the little holes insects breathe through, if I remember GCSE biology rightly!) and testacles mixed up... exactly how she invisaged insects breathing through those remains to be seen...
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