Conductors, A Guide To The Various Species

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Shaggy, Nov 5, 2005.

  1. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    1. The Tolpuddle Mayrter

    Yes indeed! lets start with the original scource material old "homo flatcapus" himself, the cradle of the brass band movement, the man who has saddled the whole genre with decades of cheap tedious mockery. The man who has reduced the image of brass banding to what is is today, that of the thick ruddy faced northerner, resplendant in his hob nail boots, braces and knotted hankerchief head gear.

    Its an image which we all know is richly deserved! especially when you are unfortunate enough to have one of these venerable old gits facing you every monday night brandishing a white stick, the colour of which stands out sharply against his blue coal dust stained skin, and his big red hooter.

    He is the fossilised old fart that time forgot, certainly this present century and most of the last, have passed him by leaving no impression what so ever. Memory, reality, and the future, all started to part company in his mind, and go there separate ways round about 1942, which may explain why he still turns up to rehearsal in an ARP wardens hat and keeps shouting "put that ****** light out" for no apparent reason.

    His choice of repetoire is predictable, "the older it is the better it is" he likes nothing better than dishing out ancient yellow rags of parchement, usually transcriptions of obscure 18th century Italian grand opera overtures, written in his own hand, by candel light, while waiting for five weeks to be rescued from "the great tunnel collapse of 1923" at Barnstonworth Colliery.

    He is of course a former player himself and was known to have the widest and deepest soprano vibrato in the whole of North West Yorkshire. With the extra leavening of nerves that only contest day itself can provide, he was capable of covering in excess of a sharpened fifth either side of any given note through out entire range of the intrument.

    With this level of proficiency in mind, he is never happy untill the vibrato intensity is so high during rehearsals, that the band room wobbles like a jelly, causing the need for regular replasterings of the band room ceiling.

    A visit to his home will shed more light on the nature of this living breathing dinosaur of brass. He has the worlds biggest collection of wax cylinder recordings including "Life Divine", all 23 renditions, from the Brass band championships at Crystal Palace in 1897. He also has a much treasured wire spool recording of Barstonworth Silver entertaining the night shift "dahn,t t,pit" on Xmas eve, at Number three seam. The vibrato was so intense it caused a partial collapse of the service tunnel, pit props can clearly be heard splitting in the back ground as the band bravely continue playing "Silent night". Every one survived, but the following night, the pit canarie's head exploded while trying to imitate the soprano players rendition of "Take A Pair of Sparkling Eyes".

    His requirements in the band room are simple, no women, no gays, no blacks. "Surface workers" are barely tolerated and would have to have an incredibly wide, unpredictable and excrutiatingly unmusical vibrato to have any chance of hanging on to their "chair".

    His musical philosphy is "keep it loud, keep it wobbley, tuning is for queers!"
  2. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Keep tuned folks.........

    ....more to follow in the coming weeks such as:- the "Mr Kurts" the "Lesly Phillips" the "Les Dennis" and the "Phil Mitchell".
  3. HSB

    HSB Member

    Yeah, it's all flat caps, whippets, march, overture, cornet solo up north, work dah'n t'pit or in t'mill, ee by gum lad. That's why it's so surprising we're still winning everything! You never know, next year, the National trophy might just stay south of Watford but I doubt it.

    I know a guy you should be familiar with, he's called Wayne Kerr, you and him should get on like a house on fire.

    Still, with guys like you down south, northern banding is gonna have to watch out.

    Sorry, I'll have to go. Fatha's comin' 'ome on t'bicycle and he's gonna want to see 'ow I've been practising so as to get into t'Senior Band. Eeh by gum, if only we 'ad t'streetlights....

    Wayne Kerr....remember the name....
  4. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member


    .......blimey Wambander! are you wearing PVC in your avatar? you must have a sense of humour after all wearing that out fit on a brass band gig!
  5. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    Nice one... I've met a few guys like that over the years, but thankfully have never had to play under them for more than one or two rehearsals! And Wambander, way to miss the point!
  6. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Thanks Lynchie........

    ....good to see one or two on here with fully functioning sense of humour, dont be too hard on old wammybammy, I can forgive her anything just by looking at that PVC outfit.
  7. dyl

    dyl Active Member

    A point of order please folks. The original post is, we suspect, someone trying to make a point, but doing so in a humerous way - please bear that in mind when reading and replying. And everyone, please refrain from personal attacks. It might be an idea for everyone to refresh their memories of the tMP Rules
  8. JR

    JR Member

  9. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Yes I'm quite sure.
  10. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

  11. HSB

    HSB Member

    I think both Shaggy and I were a bit 'tongue in cheek'!

    Now excuse me, I need to go into t'outside privvy an' cough up some moor coil dust! Bin dah'n t'pit ter long, tha sees. Fatha's banna 'it mi wit' big stick agee-an when 'e farnds art arve noo-an bin practisin'!
  12. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    oh ******! thats dissapointing, I was looking forward to a sound thrashing from you in your pcv outfit.
  13. jingleram

    jingleram Active Member

    pcv? - personal computer vorld?
  14. alanl58

    alanl58 Member

    Err, not wishing to be pedantic, but shurely Tollpuddle is in Dorset?

    Not far from that other "media northern image" shown on the Hovis adverts with the lad pushing t' bike up t' hill... which is actually in Shaftesbury?

    Perhaps you meant the "Jarrow Marcher"?

    Nice work, can't wait for the next episode... we all recognised this one too easily!

  15. HSB

    HSB Member

  16. HSB

    HSB Member

    Where've you been Shaggy? We started off so well having a few comedy ding-dongs. Even told a few of my girlfriends to log on and check out your unique, percussion-based assaults on the banding movement. Needless to say they've been very disappointed....

    You're not in retirement so soon, surely? Seems you spend most of your days now thanking players from other bands for helping yours out, rather than continuing your one-man assault on banding, conductors, adjudicators, etc.

    Please come back to us Shaggy, me and the girls demand it. We need a bit of 'attitude' on here or we'll all get bored.

    Are you listening? We've all just been out for a few beers (no PVC tonight, sorry). We're having a girly night in looking for exciting posts but (as usual) there's nothing to tickle (or should that be tick?) our boxes! Just four of us sat here in our jim-jams, all with a day off tomorrow, looking for stimulation from tMP. There's no-one who stimulates like you, yer monkey!

    Help us Shaggy, tell it like it is and get it on-line now! You know my whip awaits you if you don't! Naughty boy (who's becoming less and less naughty unless you can convince us otherwise....)
  17. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Hi wammers old gel! sorry for the radio silence have been away rather a lot, Prague,Costa Brava,Berlin,Amsterdam,New York, Costa Brava again....Its a dirty old job duck, but someone has to do it.

    I hope to be back on the boards very soon and in more familar critical sarcastic style, its very hard work all this fawning and ingratiating! Unfortunately I have rather a lot on my plate banding wise at the moment. I can always tell when its January because as usual we have no conductor, and the departed maiestro has taken the score with him. No doubt I will produce a brass rabbit from the hat as usual.

    Just had a nother peek at your avatar......blimey! its enough to give a man severe vibrato! Very interested to hear about the problems you are having with your boxes I feel sure I could be of assistance if you need them stacking or filling.

    I will get writing soon as possible if it means you will get the whip out......blimey! all the money I have wasted on those rubbish fem dom web sites when the garden of eden was here all the time on the mouthpiece!!
  18. jingleram

    jingleram Active Member

    Maybe this is one you should continue in private!!!! :)
  19. B'aht a band

    B'aht a band Member

    This thread is bleedin hilarious, can we have more like it please? :clap: :biggrin:

    Andy, fallen off his chair chuckling
  20. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Hey Wammers! fancy a trip to Scotland in May with Killamarsh? no one will hear me begging for mercy up there when you get the whip to me.