christmas jokes (merged)!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Dave Payn, Dec 7, 2004.

  1. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    Isle of Arran and lovin' it!
    Festive jokes

    What will Santa be getting his reindeer for Christmas

    A pony sleighstation!
  2. Mr & Mrs Smith are on their once in a lifetime trip across the ice-bound glaciers of northern finland. The view is phenomenal, the skies are clear, the wind blows through their hair as they ride on a pony-driven sled.

    Their driver and guide is a man named Rudolph (but since statistically 67.4% of men in that area of Finland are called Rudolph, he describes himself as "the Red one" because of the colour of his Ski Jacket). He is a large man and not to be argued with.

    As their trip progresses a drizzle of light snow starts to fall. "Loook, Is Rrrain" shouts out the guide.

    "Err.. No" says Mr Smith "It's Snow".

    "Ja, Is Rrrain" retorts the guide angrily.

    "Err....No" starts Mr Smith, but Mrs Smith interrupts him

    "Don't get into an argument" she says, "I'm Sure Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear"
  3. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

    Romford, Essex
    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
    gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
    possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
    He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
    You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
    He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
    through the pearly gates.
    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
    finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
    do those symbolise?"
    The man replied............

    "They're Carols".
  4. super_sop

    super_sop Supporting Member

    A world of my own!
    christmas jokes!

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

    The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse


    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious

    and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
    consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
    and anything else he could think of to "clean up"
    the bird's vocabulary.
    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

    The parrot yelled back.

    John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and

    even ruder.

    In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the

    bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

    screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

    Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened

    the door to the freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched

    arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with

    my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful

    for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend

    to do everything I can to correct my rude and

    unforgivable behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a

    dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

    "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    Merry Christmas!
  5. Nuke

    Nuke Active Member

    wanted to put this one in while i remeber it

    man wanted to buy his wife a really wicked parrot for christmas so he goes into this petshop.
    he asks the guy behind the counter "have you got any parrots that do tricks or nething particularlly christmassy??"
    man in shop shows him this parrot called Chet and says this one sings christmas carols.
    Bloke looks at Chet and nowts happening, Chet says nowt.
    man in shop shows the guy the trick to get him started singing, so he places a lighter under Chets left foot and it starts singing silent night. places the lighter under his right foot and he belts out jingle bells. Brilliant.
    Man buys parrot and rushes him home to show his wife
    Wifes well chuffed and goes through a couple of lighters making him sing jingle bells and silent night but then gets bored of these carols and wonders what would happen if she put the lighter between his legs so she does, Parrot sings
    "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire"
  6. Mrs Womble

    Mrs Womble Member

    Ryhill Wakefield
    A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

    More stress.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

    So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

    He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

  7. Naomi McFadyen

    Naomi McFadyen New Member

    I posted ^one a few days ago..... flick through a page or 2 in random forum

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