Butlins sleaze plot uncovered!

Discussion in 'The Rehearsal Room' started by Shaggy, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Your humble correspondant having spent the weekend "undercover" at Butlins, posing as a unattached percussionist enjoying a weekend listening to bands, is now able to reveal to you evidence of a shameful underground racket involving the trafficking of innocent non contesting percussion players.

    The predators and peddalers in this shocking expose of human misery are the people known in this shady trade as "Musical Directors" or more commonly in the street slang which I have been able to pick up "Little Hitlers".

    These power crazy megalomaniacs cruise the dark corners and seedy bars at Butlins late at night in search of new victims. They prey on the innocent and the unprotected, the lonely wide eyed dreamers, who are at Butlins simply to get a whiff of Sheona Whites perfume as she glides through the trade stands.

    This, dear reader, is the type of person I was attempting to pass myself off as in order to expose this cynical, ruthless, heartless enslavement of the unsuspecting and highly sought after commodity, known as "unsigned percussion players".

    During the daytime these so-called "MD's" put up a very convincing front, charming, affable, avuncular. Clean shaven, smartly turned out, the kind of bloke your Mum would be happy to have round for tea and battenburg cake on a Sunday afternoon.

    But do not be fooled dear reader! once the days contesting is over,the sun has gone down, and the nights frollicking and revelry begins, they are transformed in to sleazy, smooth-chatting monsters, with one thing in mind, snaring their next unsuspecting victim.

    The levels of cynicism and premeditation involved are chilling. They lurk, crawl, shmooze their oily way round the taverns and bordellos of Ingoldmells, sniffing out possible targets like Jack the Ripper. But they will not strike yet, not this early in the evening, not nearly enough alcohol has been consumed by the choosen victim.

    They circle like vultures, waiting for the first signs of distress from the intended victim, such as becoming unsteady on his feet, slurred speech, smiling inanely at any passer-by. Other tell tail signs are a larger soaked shirt front, a tendancy to bore people with highly improbable stories of past contesting glories with obscure bands, and having started to attract the attention of beady eyed door staff who, are getting impatient with the poor victims inability to walk round a table full of drinks rather than straight through it.

    Now,......now is when they strike, just as the bouncers start to move on him....suddenly, a friendly voice is heard through the infernal din of "Jaks" night club, a welcome arm round the shoulders, and you hear the calm voice dealing smoothly and deftly with the boucers..."its ok lads, take it easy, I will sort this out ok lads?.....cheers, here, have a drink with me".

    You find youself whisked off in to a dark corner of "Jaks", bearly able to stand as you try to focus on the silky patter of the "MD" who now has you cornered and ready for the kill.

    You start to hear familiar words and phrases slowly permeating your drunken stupor....."friendly happy band"....."progressive"....."ambitious"........"all one big happy familly"..........."refreshing lack of petty politics, unlike the other bands"..........

    Well dear reader the rest is a familiar story to some of you, i finally heard myself uttering words "yes I can do the "area" for you mate, your my best friend in the whole world you are Wilko,.....I love you Mark Wilcockson".

    In the cold light of Sunday afternoon, your humble correspondant is of course forced to repent at leisure having been sucked in to this murky swamp of endless rehearsals.

    Action needs to be taken against these wax moustachioed, oily lounge lizards, prowling the seedy back streets of Ingoldmells in search of fresh meat. I think all "MDS," should go on a register, so we all know who they are and which band they are with, the general public needs to be protected.

    Where is Shirebrook?.....anyone know?
  2. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    Aye, he can be a devil can that Mark Wilcockson. Blessim.
  3. Pythagoras

    Pythagoras Active Member

    Ha Ha Shaggy. Least you've got a great piece to play.
  4. Will the Sec

    Will the Sec Active Member

    Was that you on stage in Jaks on Saturday night during the post horn galop, Shaggy? :eek:
  5. andywooler

    andywooler Supporting Member

    How did you know that when we haven't met yet!!

    Are you doing anything on 6th April btw?
  6. iancwilx

    iancwilx Well-Known Member

    That was a real class post Shaggy - Most entertaining.
    - Wilkie
  7. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Thanks Wilky, sorry about some of the spelling, sadly I have had my editing rights withdrawn by the mods. I'm not sure who benifits from this though.

    Ho hum, as they say.
  8. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Me? on the stage Will? not guilty mate, was far too ****ed to negotiate the stairs!
  9. Di

    Di Active Member

    Just to clear this up for you. Actually, the editing rights for EVERYONE expire 5 minutes after making the post. ;) This is to prevent posts from being "wiped" and leaving threads with gaps which can lead to confusion.
  10. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    Thanks for that Di, but I dont seem to be able to edit at all, no matter how soon I try to do so. Can you check my status? it may be I am still in "quarantine" with the moderators.
  11. baritone boy

    baritone boy New Member

    and now get the chance to play with 2008 3rd section butlins champions!!!
  12. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    I hope you're pleased with yourself Shaggy. Following my earlier post, I had a phone call from that wax moustachioed, oily lounge lizard Mr Wilcockson, pointing out that he'd read my comments. Now I'm in trouble!

    First warning? Check! Batten down the hatches, Mr Humphries, we're going to Defcon 2!
  13. steve butler

    steve butler Active Member

    First warning? Check! Batten down the hatches, Mr Humphries, we're going to Defcon 2![/quote]
    "I'm free"
  14. Shaggy

    Shaggy New Member

    I thought i had got away with it, but the wax moustashioed lounge lizard has bee in touch to inform me that the registration form is in the post.
  15. Bayerd

    Bayerd Active Member

    Ahh, you know you want to really;)

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