Best insults to players from conductors

Discussion in 'The Rehearsal Room' started by grandad, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. grandad

    grandad Member

    What is your favourite "put-down" or insult you have ever heard in the band room from your conductor?

    one I heard once(not to me mind you!)

    "If you opened your Arban as much as you open your mouth you would be a much better player"
  2. Lawrencediana

    Lawrencediana Member

    A Melvin Whitism "Lead the section, not astray"
  3. flash harry

    flash harry Member

    Conductor: "Right, I'm going to tune the band, cornets, you first [points to player] give me a C".

    Player: [plays C, one long note].

    Conductor: "Which one out of them lot do you want me to tune?"
  4. flash harry

    flash harry Member

    Conductor: "What does 'andante' mean?"

    Player: "A moderately slow tempo, at a walking pace..."

    Conductor: "No. Wrong. It means watch me...."
  5. Crazysop

    Crazysop Member

    more of a quip than an insult:
    "The cornets sound like they've got tourettes"
    Hilarious - a fitting quip at the time, lmao just thinking about it. he he he
  6. alanl58

    alanl58 Member

    Not really a "put down" to a player, more to an audience:

    MD "We are now going to play our penultimate piece - that's the one before the last one if you did not know"!

  7. Zeek

    Zeek Member

    These are what i heard from the Major P. Parkes before the Masters 2007
    "Trombones, blow the ****** thing, your not flutes!"

    the other wasnt really an insult, just stupidity really
    "Horns, try that G on your 4th valve...."
  8. hughess

    hughess Member

    You been on Holiday!
  9. smaca

    smaca Active Member

    One I heard was

    "The only reason you play 3rd cornet is because there isn't a 4th!"
  10. KerryH

    KerryH New Member

    How about from player to conductor?

    "Do you want a hearing aid to go with that white stick?"

    Jimothy - you know who you are!!
  11. weenie

    weenie Member

    A certain Mr. Evans to an Australian visitor to our band.

    Evans "Well look as if you WANT to be here then"

    Aussie "Well I don't really wanna be here anyway"

    Evans "Well why don't you p*** off then?"

    Classic Dickie!!
  12. hicks

    hicks Member

    :clap: You could write a book containing Melvin's put downs. And he always does it in such a nice way :)
  13. Red Elvis

    Red Elvis Active Member

    My high register on euph was once compared to "a ships hooter" by the MD !
  14. Lawrencediana

    Lawrencediana Member

    The man's a genius in so many ways, one liners that can stop a rehearsal dead but he will always get it back again.
  15. hunting_high

    hunting_high Member

    From a conductor to a BBb-flat bass player who came late to bandpractise because of a workaccident that had given him a big black eye:
    Ooh, I see you have met a musiclover.

    A deputy tromboneplayer in his first rehearsel with the band started playing Indana Jones when the band started My strength My Tower.
    Tromboneplayer: Sorry, my mistake
    Conductor: Its not your fault, is the man who booked you.

    The conductor repeats a section in Gordon Langfords Sinfonietta with the euphoniums:
    Conductor: Play it again, it reminds me of something
    They played it again and the conductor said: One more time, it reminds of something by Michael Jakcson
    The euphs looked puzzled but plays it again.
    Conductor then said: Now I know what it is: Bad.
  16. flugtastic

    flugtastic Member

    one of my favourites
    "blow the ****** thing, dont suck it!!!"
  17. englishgill

    englishgill Member

    I remember the legendary Les Hall, conductor of Poynton Youth once telling the basses they came in like a ton of nutty slack! (lots of parents explaining what nutty slack is to their kids after that one!)

    I'm sure those who experienced Les's rehearsals will come up with some other classics
  18. weemarky

    weemarky Member

    Funny thats one of mine aswel. lol :D
  19. Ipswich trom

    Ipswich trom Member

    Our best one didn't involve words at all, Mr Norman just picked up the score, turned around and threw it away! We got the message.
  20. Leyfy

    Leyfy Active Member

    my favorite one was (said in a heavy northern accent!) to the cornet section:

    'you're about as together as a jar of marbles!'

    and he was right! :D