Best band joke you've ever heard?

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by robcornet, Apr 12, 2008.

  1. robcornet

    robcornet Member

    Just wondered what the best band jokes people have heard? Mine has to be one that Richard Evens told Barton Band recently.

    A Trombone player walks into a library and says in a loud voice 3 Big Mac meals please!

    The Librarian replies this is a library please be quite, so the trombone player whispers " 3 big mac meals please"

    I thought it was very funny, but he probably tells it better then me!
  2. Flugel Boy

    Flugel Boy New Member

    Here's mine

    How do you know a drummer is knocking at the door?

    The beat gets faster.

    Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

    You only have to punch in the rhythm once with the drum machine.
  3. Anno Draconis

    Anno Draconis Well-Known Member

    How many principal cornets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    1; they just hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

    How many baritone players does it take to change a light bulb?

    5; 1 to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and 4 to rotate the chair.
  4. The Wherryman

    The Wherryman Active Member

    True story...

    Having played at a regional, I was watching a band drawn after us, who weren't doing too well.

    I remarked to our solo euph player, "If they beat us, I'll sell my trombone."

    "So will I", he replied.

    "Oh, I didn't know you had a trombone," I said.

    "I haven't," he said, "I'd sell your trombone as well."
  5. sudcornet

    sudcornet Member

    Another Dicky Evans special....

    As Sheona White/Linguard sits down after a solo, Mr Evans comments to the audience that there are now quite a few members of the fairer sex in brass bands. "As you may appreciate this band (YBS) are often away overnight or on tour.......and there's quite a bit of washing and ironing to do!!!"

    brave man.

  6. ploughboy

    ploughboy Active Member

    I saw Dick compering a B&R joint concert I think with Fodens, a couple of years ago, and the theme and ending was all the proms stuff. Dick asked all the audience if they had a programme to wave it in the air, we all did, the Dick said "they must have been free then if all you Yorkies have got them"!!
  7. T Winch

    T Winch Member

    What's the difference between an onion and a baritone?

    Nobody ever cries when you slice up a baritone!
  8. sooze booze

    sooze booze Member

    Two tuba players walked past a bar.............well, it could happen!! :eek:
    Q. Why do bands have tuba players?

    A. To translate for the drummer! :cool:
    Q. How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. Five. One to hold it and the other four to drink beer until the room spins! :cool:
    Q. What's the definition of a dischord?

    A. Two trombones playing in unison! ;)
    And the last one.................for now! Unfortunately, there's lots more where these came from!

    Q. What's the difference between God and a brass band conductor?

    A. God knows he's not a brass band conductor! :clap:

    As a baritone player and part time shed builder I really should be keeping my mouth firmly shut!! I feel some payback coming on!!

  9. Vegasbound

    Vegasbound Active Member

    Q What does a trombone player use as a diary ?

    A a year at a glance.........

    Q How do you know when a trombone player has a gig ?

    A He takes the Pizza delivery sign of the car.....

    Q How many front row cornet players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A to change it and the other four to say how much better they could have done it !!

    Q How do you know it's a soprano player knocking at the door ??

    A They can't find the key and don't know where to come in .......

    Q How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb ?

    A None ...the key board player does it with his left hand !!
  10. Jan H

    Jan H Moderator Staff Member

    And how do you know it's a drummer?

    If the knocking starts slowly and then steadily increases in speed...

    I know it's an old one ;)
  11. sooze booze

    sooze booze Member

    Q. How can you tell when the stage is level?

    A. The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!! :eek:
    Q. How do you get two BBb bass players to play in tune?

    A. Shoot one! :tongue:
  12. Vegasbound

    Vegasbound Active Member

    Q What's the difference between a dead country and western singer and a dead trombone player lying in the road ??

    A There are skid marks in front of the Country and western singer!!
  13. Tubah

    Tubah Member

    Not quite a joke but funny anyway:-

    Ring any bells?

    1 Eb Soprano cornet: too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he/she has the most difficult part in the band.
    1 Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato.
    1 Second man down or bumper upper: either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
    1 Third man down: loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
    1 Fourth man down: like third man down, only louder and thicker!
    1 Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal.
    2 2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
    2 3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
    1 Flugelhorn: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
    1 Solo horn: usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
    2 Tenor horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
    1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time
    2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
    2 Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off
    1 1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time
    1 2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
    1 Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato
    2 Eb basses: look like two drunken farts
    2 Bb basses: sound like two drunken farts
    Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.

    Conductor: so devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!

  14. sooze booze

    sooze booze Member

    Hells Bells!! Am pleased I don't play for that band!! :eek:

    Here's another little gem about tuba players, bless 'em,

    Q. Why do tuba players have tiny brains?

    A. Because all the alcohol they drink has swollen them! :tongue:
  15. bassinthebathroom

    bassinthebathroom Active Member

    "There's this baritone player...."

    Oh no, wait, that's it...
  16. sooze booze

    sooze booze Member

    There is always the one about the difference between a brass band and a bull, the difference being that a bull has it's horns at the front and the a***hole at the back. I'm sure it was something like that.............
  17. robcornet

    robcornet Member

    Ok here is one I heard the other night.

    How many front row cornets does it take to change a light bulb?

    3 one to change the bulb and the other 2 to comment on how high he had to go!:)