Forget them all. We are a lesser known band based in Lanarkshire, West Central Scotland, called 'Black Dyke Mills'. Due to an affiliation with the parish (well the dear old Parish Priest in 1878 did authorise us to form a band), we are currently known as Saint Patrick's Brass Band, Shotts. We have vacancies for a player of your calibre in our back RANK. The only stipulation is that you must miss out certain key passages in favour of fobbing them off to the front row. Your conducting skills have not gone unnoticed either. We wish to poach you immediately. It is alleged you had a 'fair wee run' with a band whose name is not dissimilar to our own recently, so that's always a plus in your favour. Come along any Monday or Friday to a half empty rehearsal. We can guarantee an eclectic mix of both Big Brother and Coronation Street fans. There may also be some companions for you to help you settle in to this new group. I can think of one past player also who you would 'fit in well' with! I believe he may be busy now due to his penchant for imatating the polis. You can be assured of a warm hand upon your entrance each time you wave your baton! Please apply in writing for this once in a lifetime 'Gerrytastic' opportunity. Yours, Dr. Bob Childs.