Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by TheMusicMan, Dec 4, 2003.
What do you call a sousaphone quartet????
A tuba four.
After a controversial decision at the National Finals . . .
Is lèse-majesté a hanging offence, or will I get away with 20 years in the Scrubs?
In case of any doubt, I meant "lèse-majesté against adjudicators", rather than against HM, who - like her late mother - is noted for her sense of humour!
Hhaahhhhhaaaa!! That's funny.
I love such threads.
Me: I'm actually happy right now.
Life: LOL!! One sec.
Q. What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A. A roamin' Catholic!
Q. What's red and bad for your teeth?
A. A brick!
I want a job cleaning mirrors - I can really see myself doing that . . .
Did you hear about the two blokes who stole a calendar? They each got six months!
If you ever feel really cold, go and stand in a corner; they're usually about 90 degrees!
Collect the full set . . . .
Some women tell me that kissing a man without a beard is like eating an egg without salt.
Not that I'd know; I've never eaten an egg without salt . . .
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?"
"No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."
Q. What colour socks do bears wear?
A. Bears don't wear socks - they have bare feet!
I couldn't work out how to fasten the seat belt in my new car - then it clicked.
Q. What begins with an 'E', ends with an 'E', but only has one letter?
A. An envelope!
Q. How do you organise a party in space?
A. You planet!
Q. What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down stairs?
A. A condescending con descending!
Q. What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?
A. It becomes daytrogen!
Good nitrogen; sleep tightrogen; don't let the bed-bugs bitrogen!
"This guy should go far - and the further, the better!"
"Nanna your business!"
There are basically three types of people in the world. The ones who can count bars rest......and the ones who can't.
You'd have thought being a submarine captain would be a well paid job - but I hear they can't keep their heads above water . . .
I used to be an artist in the army but I kept drawing enemy fire.
A Sergeant said to his squad of twenty five men, "I've got a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you're the laziest."
Twenty four of the men immediately raised their hands, so the sergeant asked the other man "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
The man replied, "Because lifting my arm is too much like hard work, Sarge."
Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort.
Q. What do you hear if a sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff?
A. Ba - DUM - TSSSSSSSSSS!!
A man is flying a hot air balloon and is completely lost. He calls out to someone below and asks for help. " I need to be at the Swan Hotel for a meeting at 10:30 but I'm a bit lost. Would you point me in the right direction young man?"
The man on the ground tells him his longitude and latitude co-ordinates and advises him to head on a heading of 121.7 degrees.
The balloon man responds "You must be an engineer. Everything you said is probably correct yet I am none the wiser from your response."
The man on the ground shouts back " Yes and you must be a manager. You don't know what you're doing, where you are, where you're going or how to get there, yet somehow it's all my fault!"
Separate names with a comma.