Bad Joke Thread....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by TheMusicMan, Dec 4, 2003.

  1. Independent Silver Band

    Independent Silver Band Active Member

    What do you call a sousaphone quartet????
    A tuba four.
  2. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    After a controversial decision at the National Finals . . .


    Is lèse-majesté a hanging offence, or will I get away with 20 years in the Scrubs?


    In case of any doubt, I meant "lèse-majesté against adjudicators", rather than against HM, who - like her late mother - is noted for her sense of humour!
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2016
    Slider1 likes this.
  3. Lister2045

    Lister2045 New Member

  4. Lister2045

    Lister2045 New Member

    I love such threads. :D
  5. Lister2045

    Lister2045 New Member

    Me: I'm actually happy right now.
    Life: LOL!! One sec.

    :D :D :D
  6. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Q. What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
    A. A roamin' Catholic!

    Q. What's red and bad for your teeth?
    A. A brick!

    I want a job cleaning mirrors - I can really see myself doing that . . .

    Did you hear about the two blokes who stole a calendar? They each got six months!

    If you ever feel really cold, go and stand in a corner; they're usually about 90 degrees!
  7. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  8. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  9. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  10. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member


    Collect the full set . . . .
  11. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Some women tell me that kissing a man without a beard is like eating an egg without salt.

    Not that I'd know; I've never eaten an egg without salt . . .
  12. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?"
    "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

    Q. What colour socks do bears wear?

    A. Bears don't wear socks - they have bare feet!
  13. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    I couldn't work out how to fasten the seat belt in my new car - then it clicked.

  14. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Q. What begins with an 'E', ends with an 'E', but only has one letter?

    A. An envelope!

    Q. How do you organise a party in space?

    A. You planet!

    Q. What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down stairs?

    A. A condescending con descending!

    Q. What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?

    A. It becomes daytrogen!

    Good nitrogen; sleep tightrogen; don't let the bed-bugs bitrogen!


    "This guy should go far - and the further, the better!"
  15. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Knock, knock!!

    "Who's there?"


    "Nanna who?"

    "Nanna your business!"
  16. There are basically three types of people in the world. The ones who can count bars rest......and the ones who can't.
  17. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    You'd have thought being a submarine captain would be a well paid job - but I hear they can't keep their heads above water . . .

    I used to be an artist in the army but I kept drawing enemy fire.

    A Sergeant said to his squad of twenty five men, "I've got a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you're the laziest."
    Twenty four of the men immediately raised their hands, so the sergeant asked the other man "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
    The man replied, "Because lifting my arm is too much like hard work, Sarge."

    Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort.
    Stanley Accrington likes this.
  18. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  19. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Q. What do you hear if a sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff?

  20. Queeg2000

    Queeg2000 Active Member

    A man is flying a hot air balloon and is completely lost. He calls out to someone below and asks for help. " I need to be at the Swan Hotel for a meeting at 10:30 but I'm a bit lost. Would you point me in the right direction young man?"

    The man on the ground tells him his longitude and latitude co-ordinates and advises him to head on a heading of 121.7 degrees.

    The balloon man responds "You must be an engineer. Everything you said is probably correct yet I am none the wiser from your response."

    The man on the ground shouts back " Yes and you must be a manager. You don't know what you're doing, where you are, where you're going or how to get there, yet somehow it's all my fault!"
    Jack E likes this.