Bad Joke Thread....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by TheMusicMan, Dec 4, 2003.

  1. Independent Silver Band

    Independent Silver Band Active Member

    The other night I was coming home from a late gig (I know, right?) and was thirsty, so I stopped at the 7-11 to pick something up. When I was inside paying for my stuff I realized that I had left my horn in plain view on my car seat under the lights. When I went outside my worst fears were realized. Someone had smashed the side window, and had thrown three more trombones in there.
     
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  2. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Hip, hooray, it's the fourth of May!

    DV80.jpg
     
  3. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

    I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, "Look what’s telling me that".

    A magician was walking down the street and turned into a barber shop.

    My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

    What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing. It just waved.

    How do you catch a whole school of fish? With bookworms.

    Why don't hippies like camping? "Because it's in tents, man . . . "

    And, finally, the worst of the lot . . .

    Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese Daily. [Pause] Do you get it?

    No

    Me neither. I get the Daily Telegraph . . .
    :confused:

    Jack E.
     
  4. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Q. How do you fix a broken tuba?

    A. With a tuba glue!

    Q. What's the difference between a piccolo and a Persian rug?

    A. I wouldn't intentionally walk over a Persian rug wearing hob-nailed boots . . . !!
     
  5. Mesmerist

    Mesmerist Well-Known Member

    Stolen from another forum; quoting Maureen Lipman, in a sitcom, playing a long suffering wife;


    "I remember my wedding as if it was yesterday. If it was tomorrow, I wouldn't turn up."
     
  6. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    My friend has just had his Miniature Dachsund put on the Dangerous Dogs list; he's been classified as a tripping hazard!

    A computer once beat me at chess, but I licked it hollow at kick boxing!

    There are no more devout prayers said than those in schools - at exam time . . .

    I found the key to success! Then some ratbag changed the lock . . .

    My friend was hit by a drum kit the other day. The doctor says he has percussion.

    Women can do a much better Black Country accent than men. That’s because the female of the species is more Dudley than the male!

    Jack E.
     
  7. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

    A. Pumpkin Pi . . .

    Q. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?

    A. Because she ran away from the ball!

    Q. Why wouldn't the crab share his treasure?

    A. Because he was shellfish!
     
  8. Gegsy

    Gegsy New Member

    Now that the vote is over .......

    The brass band world is reeling. After the UK's Brexit referendum result top players are scratching their heads wondering where to get hold of Phoniums. Once a cornerstone of the brass band world, leading manufacturers are currently trying to figure out how to produce these arcane instruments which disappeared about 40 years ago and have said that it could take up to 2 years for new ones to become available.

    Unfortunately all recent advancements made in modern Euphonium design will have to be revisited and adapted for the much smaller instrument and there are serious doubts whether or not the power and stability available on the Euphonium will ever be achieved on the Phonium.

    British bands limited as they will be by using Phoniums still hope that they will be allowed to compete in European and international competitions despite other countries still being able to use the more highly evolved Euphonium instruments
     
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  9. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    A linguistics professor told his students:

    “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”


    At this point, the class joker said, “Yeah, right . . . ”



    I'm so talented at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes shut.

    Q. What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

    A. A shoe!

    Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?

    A. Because the dog wasn't hungry!

    And, finally: What are the three unwritten Rules of Life?

    1.

    2.

    3.

    :rolleyes:
     
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  10. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    It took several seconds for the penny to drop, Gegsy - but, when it did, I cracked up!
    :D

    Jack E.
     
  11. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

    So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, the engineer is one of the most popular people down there.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "How's it going down there in Hell?"

    Satan replies, "Oh, things are going really well. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators, indirect lighting, stereo surround sound, walk-in wardrobes, self-feeding furnaces - there's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gone down there, send him up here."

    Satan says, "No chance, pal! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "You send him back up here or I'll sue!"

    Satan roars with laughter, and says, "Yeah, right! And just where are you going to find a lawyer in Heaven? I've got them all down here!"
    :D

    Jack E.
     
  12. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth.

    The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of 'My Achy-Breaky Heart', just for old time's sake.

    The Grim Reaper asks the second musician what his wish is, and the jazzman says "Just kill me now!"
     
  13. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

    The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife!"

    Q. How do you define a gentleman?

    A. Someone who knows how to play a piccolo, but doesn't.

    Q. What's the difference between an alto sax and a chainsaw?

    A. The chainsaw manufacturers are considerate enough to fit their products with silencers.

    Q. What happens if you play blues music backwards?

    A. Your wife comes back, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

    Q.What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?

    A. "I di'n't wake up dis mo'ning . . . "
     
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  14. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left.

    Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity doesn't tune twice!"
     
  15. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    There was a band director who thought brass band music was a gift to the world. He believed it was the key to harmony and world peace, and, of course, a universal language that speaks to all peoples, no matter their background.

    To demonstrate this he took his band on a tour of the remotest parts of Africa, places that had never seen modern civilization - no electricity, no telephones, no cars, nothing. On the first night of the tour he arranged a concert that was attended by all the inhabitants for miles around. They listened intently as the band played all the classics, starting with 'Marchissimo', and finishing with von Suppe's 'Poet and Peasant'.

    Afterwards he went to have dinner with the village elders, certain that his assumptions would be confirmed. With great confidence he asked his interpreter to ask the elders what they thought of the music. The interpreter put the question to them, and the elders looked very embarrassed before they finally answered him.

    "What did they say?", asked the director.

    The interpreter hesitated, then said:

    "They said they really enjoyed the start of the first piece, but most of the time they could hardly hear the drummers for all the racket those other idiots were making with their tin cans!"
    :D
     
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  16. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  17. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Picture of the nail-biting photo-finish in the Formula Nuke World Submarine Races in the Marianas Trench:






    upload_2016-7-27_2-48-58.png


    Gripping stuff, eh?
    :p
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
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  18. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

  19. Slider1

    Slider1 Active Member

    Had a Whale of a time watching this
     
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  20. fsteers

    fsteers Member

    FTFY.

    [​IMG]
     

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