Bad Joke Thread....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by TheMusicMan, Dec 4, 2003.

  1. Mesmerist

    Mesmerist Well-Known Member

    A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

    His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

    "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

    "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on

    He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily

    "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

    When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

    A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

    "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily

    "Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","
  2. Mesmerist

    Mesmerist Well-Known Member

    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

    One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

    So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

    At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

    He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

    Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

    To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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  3. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    A traffic cop pulled up a little old lady who was driving at little more than 10mph on a main road, even though the speed limit there was 60mph, and the car was a powerful Jaguar saloon. When he asked her why she was going so slow, she pointed at a road sign, and said:

    "Well, officer, that's the speed limit - 12mph."

    Choking back his laughter, he explained to her that the sign wasn't the speed limit, but the official number of the London to Lowestoft road - the A.12!

    As she was apologising for holding traffic up, he noticed that her three elderly passengers were looking very pale, and trembling - so he asked the driver if her friends were okay. The old lady giggled, and replied:

    "I'm afraid that's my fault, officer -



    we've just turned off the A.134!"
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  4. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    I left home and became a pro musician at a very early age. My parents bought me a drum, and told me to beat it . . .

    I think a mate of mine is addicted to brake fluid, but he keeps telling me he can stop any time he wants . . .
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  5. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, how's this?

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Sikh, a Hindu, a Buddhist and a Nigerian went to a night club.

    The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "
    Mesmerist likes this.
  6. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    And, finally . . .

    The other night, I went out just intending to have one pint. As luck would have it, I bumped into two old friends, and we ended up making a night of it. When they found out I'd come out in my car, one of them suggested that I shouldn't drive home in it, as he said the cops were bound to be on the prowl, and I wouldn't pass a breathalyser test. Realising that he was right, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

    Boy, was I glad I did! Must have passed at least three or four cop cars - but, on the bus, I just sailed past with no worries.

    The trouble started next day, when my neighbours started raising hell about their parking spaces, and my missus is giving me aggro about how dark it is, now, in the front room.


    I dunno - I thought I parked it pretty well, considering I've never driven a bus before . . .
    Euphonium Lite and Mesmerist like this.
  7. Independent Silver Band

    Independent Silver Band Active Member

    A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
    The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
    "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

    The social workers are finally satisfied.

    They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
    "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."
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  8. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    ISB - that's a cracker!!

    Jack E.
  9. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Q. What are made of brass and sound like Tom Jones? . . . . .A. Trombones!

    Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? . . . A. I dunno and I don't care . . .

    Q. What chain-smokes at the bottom of the sea? . . . . . . . .. . A. A nervous wreck!
  10. Mesmerist

    Mesmerist Well-Known Member

    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

    They already have boyfriends.
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  11. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    So near, and yet so far, eh?
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  12. Independent Silver Band

    Independent Silver Band Active Member

    Two out three------ OK one out of three-------, OK I don't fit, but I don't have a boy friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  13. John Brooks

    John Brooks Well-Known Member

    Some humour from Qantas Airlines (P=Pilot; S=Solution from Ground Crew or Engineers). These are genuinely funny and may not meet the criteria on Bad Jokes but here goes anyway:
    P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
    P - Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
    S - Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    P - Something loose in cockpit.
    S - Something tightened in cockpit.
    P - Dead bugs on windshield.
    S - Live bugs on back-order.
    P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S - Evidence removed.
    P - Suspected crack in windshield.
    S - Suspect you're right.
    P - Number 3 engine missing.
    S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
  14. Independent Silver Band

    Independent Silver Band Active Member

    I asked my wife if something happened to me, would you remarry? Her reply was that she probably would. I asked would you move him into our house, and she replied that she would. I asked if she would keep our bed for him and she said likely so. I asked if she would give him my clothes, and she said no. When I asked why, she said they didn't fit him!!!!!!!!!
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  15. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Joe: "Come and look at my pet amphibian!"

    Bill: "Coo - he's a whopper!"

    Joe: "I call him Tiny."

    Bill: "Why Tiny?"

    Joe: "Because he's my newt!"
  16. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Zen and the Art of Modern Technology:

    If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

    What is the sound of no hands texting?

    If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
  17. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    An Englishman flies into Australia 
and is asked by the immigration 
officer, “Do you have any felony 

    The Englishman looks very apologetic, and says, “I'm so sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
    John Brooks likes this.
  18. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    When the Great Flood subsided, Noah lowered the ramp, and commanded the animals to "Go forth, and multiply!" All the animals left the Ark except for two snakes. When Noah asked them why, they told him:

    "We can't multiply, Noah - we're adders!"
  19. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    To which the standard response used to be 'Use the logs' :)
  20. Jack E

    Jack E Well-Known Member

    Ah, yes - I remember log tables very well. When I went to tech college, I got myself a set of 7-figure log tables - which were considered very up-market - and a slide rule about 18" long! (which cost me an arm and a leg . . . ) I dare say you'd only find them in museums, these days.

    The huge plus point of both log tables and slide rules was that you had to learn how to estimate the answer before calculating, so as to know where to put the decimal point. On a later course, I carried on using them, even though the younger blokes were all using pocket calculators. They would happily punch buttons, and faithfully write down whatever came up on the screen - even if it said that a steel beam with a safe working load of 3 tons should have a cross-section of 9 square metres! :rolleyes:

    Ah, sweet innocence of youth . . .

    With best regards,

    Jack E.

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