Attention all US tMPers!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by PeterBale, Dec 23, 2004.

  1. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    To the citizens of the United States of America:-

    In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
    your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
    Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
    commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
    fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
    the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
    outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
    need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
    questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
    you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
    will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
    the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
    letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
    'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
    "ise".

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
    Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg ' if you
    can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
    vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
    twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
    "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed".

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
    old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
    When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
    language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
    your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
    It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
    upper-class twits or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
    to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
    "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
    talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
    Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist
    in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
    Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
    English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
    "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
    American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
    incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
    Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
    to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
    of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
    game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
    borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
    will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
    football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
    is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
    to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
    involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar
    body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
    rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
    reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
    is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
    there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
    Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
    "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
    collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
    they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
    is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
    Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "[ah em!]".
    You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
    be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
    vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
    handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
    wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
    Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
    own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
    mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
    will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
    the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
    fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian
    though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
    Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
    insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips
    are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
    chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
    trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
    all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
    be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
    will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
    provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
    as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
    Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
    company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's
    Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last
    1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of
    confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
    will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
    the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
    USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
    $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
    should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
    not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
    shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
    1776).
     
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  3. Jan H

    Jan H Moderator Staff Member

    Well, once you English have succesfully re-annexed the US, the Americans will surely know were Belgium is, because they will be ruled from Brussels... moehahahaha :evil::evil:



    :wink:
     
  4. 2nd man down

    2nd man down Moderator Staff Member

    LMFAO!!!! NPMSL!!!!! :clap: :lol: :lol:

    [Enter some wishy washy liberal afraid that some Americans may have been offended by that - stage left.] :roll:
     
  5. DublinBass

    DublinBass Supporting Member

    Quite Funny...one of the music teachers at school gave me that the week after the election :D
     
  6. rightnowmusic

    rightnowmusic Member

    Excellent !!!!

    That's exactly what I've been telling people since we got here in March ! :D


    Merry Christmas to one and all.....


    Mark :D
     
  7. nickjones

    nickjones Active Member

    Gawd bless ya Mr Bale....you made my glass eye cry....
    :D
     
  8. trumpetmike

    trumpetmike Active Member

    I am trying to work out when I was sent this - was it this election or the last one?


    Still funny, but quite late. I know the US are still bickering over who won, whether it was legal, whether he actually won, etc, but surely we are better than to rub salt in their wounds:p
     
  9. DublinBass

    DublinBass Supporting Member

    Having read through the original post more carefully election day was infact November 4th this year and November 7th (I think) in 2000. So it is either the more recent version or they just changed the date.
     

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