Ancient muso jokes

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Dave Payn, May 20, 2004.

  1. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    Isle of Arran and lovin' it!
    Well, there might be a few who haven't heard them!

    The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."

    He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

    A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

    "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

    The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

    "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

    The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

    "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

    How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
    Take the batteries out of his electric tuner

    What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
    With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once

    What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
    Puts on her clothes and goes home.

    What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
    Both suck when you plug them in.

    What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
    He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

    How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

    How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
    "One, two, three, one, two, three..."

    Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
    Start with two million

    How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

    It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

    None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

    He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

    The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"

    So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

    "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

    "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

    "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"

    The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"

    A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

    "Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."

    "Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
    -- Mark Twain

    What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
    A demented chord.
  2. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    Yep, they really ARE old! :)
  3. ScrapingtheBottom

    ScrapingtheBottom Active Member

    In a dark, dark place.
    What about these:

    What's the definition of a gentleman?
    Someone who can play the trombone and chooses not to.

    What's the difference between an onion and a viola?
    No-one cries when you cut up a viola.

    How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
    5. One to change it and the other 4 to say how much better they could have done it.
  4. Naomi McFadyen

    Naomi McFadyen New Member

    Very funny! Havent heard some of them before

  5. Sellers_Bird

    Sellers_Bird Active Member

    Last place God built
    how do you make a violin sound good?
    chop it up and make a xylophone.
  6. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

    Romford, Essex
    What's the difference between a Soprano and a pirhana?

    The lipstick
  7. Dave Euph

    Dave Euph Member

    :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
  8. Lothianh

    Lothianh Member

    Chicago, Illinois
    What's the difference between a trombone player and a pepperoni pizza??

    The pizza will feed a family of four.


    How do you make a trombone player's car go faster??

    Remove the pizza delivery sign strapped to the roof.


    What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

    The viola burns longer.


  9. JessopSmythe

    JessopSmythe Active Member

    Pontyclun, South Wales
    What's a tuba for?
    About 3.5 x 1.5 unless you remember to ask for a full cut.

    How do you know when there's a drummer at your front door?
    The knock slows down and he's not sure when to come in.

    An orchestra was putting on a performance which included Beethovens 9th Symphony. Having nothing to do in the 2nd and 3rd movements, the tuba section decided to nip out to the bar. After a few swift drinks they snuck back onto the stage at the end of the third movement. As the conductor brought his baton up to start the 4th movement, the tuba section picked up their instruments and all fell over backwards. At the same time, the conductor realised that he'd left the elastic bands holding his music together on and was only able to see the first page.
    "This is it he said to himself **** or bust. It's the 4th of the 9th, the score's tied and the basses are loaded"
  10. six pints

    six pints Active Member

    i dont get these two...

    sum1 please explain!
  11. JessopSmythe

    JessopSmythe Active Member

    Pontyclun, South Wales
    What's the range of a tuba?
    Depends how strong your arm is
  12. Lothianh

    Lothianh Member

    Chicago, Illinois
    A 2" by 4" piece of lumber - a two by four - actually measures 1.5" x 3.5".

    The second one makes more sense as "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded." At least it does if you know anything about baseball. There are lots of versions of this joke. for example.

    A few other jokes:

    What do you use to fix a broken tuba?

    A tuba glue.

    How do you make two piccolos play in tune??

    Shoot one.

    Why did the chicken cross the road??

    To get away from the bassoon recital.

    What's the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

    The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig

  13. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Hadleigh, Essex
    Dave's composer quotes at the end of his post remind me of one of Beecham's classics:

    "The English don't know much about music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes" :wink:
  14. littlemisshorns

    littlemisshorns Member

    Armadale, West Lothian
    They were good! Cheered me up on this dull Friday morning!
  15. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    South London
    A drummer decides he wants to be a 'real' musician, so he walks into a music shop, looks around and says to the assistant "I'll take the red saxophone and that white xylophone" to which the assistant replied "I'm sorry sir, but the fire extinguisher and radiator are not for sale..."

    I'll just go and sit in a corner and hide now... :oops:
  16. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    What's the definition of a semi-tone?

    Baritones tuning up.
  17. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Hadleigh, Essex
    This one was on this morning - might be an old one, but I wouldn't dare speculate on how true it is:

    The front line of a jazz band was on the way to a gig and were killed in a tragic car accident. When they arrived in heaven, God personally greeted them at the front gate and asked each of them who they were and what they did on earth.

    The first person said:
    I was an alto sax player and I made people happy with my wonderful music

    The second said:
    I was a trombone player and I taught people the love of music

    The third person said:
    I was a trumpet player and I believe you are sitting in my chair.

    ;) ;) ;)
  18. a conductor of a brass band fall seriously ill and cannot conduct for half of there tour so one of the horn players fills in for him, the band play extremly well in all there concerts and eventualy the conductor returns and the horn player rejoins his section the section leader turns to him and says were the **** have you been all this time.:clap: :clap: :clap:
  19. NeilW

    NeilW Member

    Bucks/Oxon borders, UK
    What's the best noise a viola can make?



    What use are clarinets?

    Kindling for a basson fire.
  20. sevenhelz

    sevenhelz Active Member

    shouldn't these be in the bad joke thread? :rolleyes: some nice ones :)
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