Well, there might be a few who haven't heard them! The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?" A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!" How do you get an oboist to play A flat? Take the batteries out of his electric tuner What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. Both suck when you plug them in. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? "One, two, three, one, two, three..." Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct. None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?" So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time. "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?" The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!" A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." "Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour." --Rossini -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord? A demented chord.