Following on from James Yelland's TV Ads guide, something similar. - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. - If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. - All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. - Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. - The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. - You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. - People in films never finish their drinks. - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. - When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. - If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. - Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. - During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. - Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. - Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. - A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. - If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. - Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. - Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. - All single women have a cat. - Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. - Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. - One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. - Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. - If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?" - Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. - When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. - Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. - Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. - Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. - No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. - If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. - You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one. - Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. - Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. - Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. - Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.