12 Days of Christmas - My Truelove's Reply

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by tubafran, Dec 7, 2004.

  1. tubafran

    tubafran Active Member

    Following on from another thread about the 12 Days of Christmas and after extensive research all afternoon came across these reply from the lady of My Truelove's affections.

    Dearest Bill,
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
    With deepest Love and Devotion,

    Dearest Bill,
    Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them.
    With deepest Love,

    Dearest Bill,
    Oh! Your third gift arrived! You really went too far, I think. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.

    Dearest Bill,
    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more....so please, no more birds!! But, thanks.

    My Darling Bill,
    What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!!
    All my love,

    Dear Bill
    When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying, complete with a large count of coloform bacteria. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining. The police came by with a formal complaint, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for the New Years Eve celebration tonight.
    Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!!

    Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and those dumb birds? Seven swan’s a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There's bird guano all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. You have gone too far, bird brain. STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS!! GOT IT?

    OK Wise Guy
    I think I prefer the birds over this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids’ a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a yard full of cow patties? Their piles are all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE OF YOUR "GIFTS".

    What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. You'll get yours, buddy.

    You rotten piece of cow patty
    What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhoea. My living room is a sewer! The Local Council has summoned me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned.
    I'm filing a complaint to the police about you!
    One who means it.

    Listen Brainless
    Now there's eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? There is a petition going around to evict me from the neighbourhood.
    I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
    Your sworn enemy,

    Dear Sir
    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at Happy Glen Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
    Law Firm of
    Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
  2. Di

    Di Active Member

    Absolutely b****y fantastic! :-D
  3. rightnowmusic

    rightnowmusic Member

    Excellent !! :D:D:D:D
  4. WoodenFlugel

    WoodenFlugel Moderator Staff Member

    love it...and laughed even louder at the google ad at the bottom of the page for....Nixite bird control products :D
  5. super_sop

    super_sop Supporting Member

  6. Craigsav83

    Craigsav83 Active Member

    Like this lots!!! :clap:
  7. kate_the_horn

    kate_the_horn New Member

    ahh nice one.
    made me smile, anyhow!

    kk x
  8. Crazysop

    Crazysop Member

    so funny nearly cholked on my lunch!!!!!
  9. six pints

    six pints Active Member

    brilliant!! (asltho, on the sencond day, wouldnt she have gotten twi turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree, and then on the third day got the five birds and the tree etc etc....?)
  10. Lil Miss

    Lil Miss Active Member

    heheheehehehehehe i can't stop laughin, that was fantastic :)
  11. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    I've got a radio broadcast version on tape read by Penelope Keith, where everything is accumulated - very, very funny ;)
  12. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

    I have to say that the Jimmy Jones version is much funnier, but totally unsuitable for Tmp
  13. Keppler

    Keppler Moderator Staff Member

    I have been spoiled by the Frank Kelly (Fr Jack to those of you who don't know) version, and alas, all other 12 days variants do not match up. Nice try though ;)
  14. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    That's who it was! Been trying to remember where I heard and who.
    Damn funny!
  15. Bones

    Bones Member

    Did a concert with Dyke last Xmas with Matthew Routley narrated it.

    Very classy.
  16. Mrs Womble

    Mrs Womble Member

    :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: brilliant!

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